My Head on His Chest

Another article from Above Rubies. For all the mommy's who have lost babies and will always have the longing in their heart for them! This is mainly post for my dear friend Beth in memory of Heidi Elizabeth.
My Head on His Chest
Our family had spent the week prior to Christmas celebrating with family. Like so many Christmases before, we had to return home for my husband to go back to work. We arrives home later that afternoon only to realize that I had spent so much time getting ready for our trip that I had forgotten to plan for our Christmas Day meal. By the time I got into town all the stores were closed except for the local chain store pharmacy, which left me the choice of a few questionable prepacked foods. It was certainly not the makings of our traditional Christmas meal. I picked through the available items as the children relished the idea of eating something "special." They rarely got to eat macaroni and cheese. I picked up some applesauce and a few more goodies before heading off toward the check-out counter.
On my way, I passed the section for pregnancy tests. For years my husband and I had been attempting to conceive another baby. A hasty decision after our fifth son was born led to a premature ending of our fertility with a vasectomy.
But the Lord uses our mistakes and we were in for some life changing experiences. The first was our entrance into homeschooling. Secondly, we began to understand how precious our fertility was to God and thus our road to a reversal was born. We went to Conway, Arkansas to a godly doctor using his gifts of healing to help return our fertility to the Lord. We expected the babies to immediately start arriving but that was not the case. By October of 2006, we were informed that my husband's "count" was not significant enough to bring about a pregnancy.
So why in the world, on this Christmas day, did I decide to pick up a pregnancy test? I was only a day late my menstrual cycles had been a bit crazy. After all, I was over 40 and women like me were not supposed to desire pregnancy; we were supposed to succumb to the inevitable-menopause.
I went home and prepared our Christmas dinner, but I have to admit, curiosity got the best of me. I took the test and waited. I faint pink line? I could not believe it! I hid the test under the bathroom rug so I could go back and check it without my sons seeing it. I wanted to believe it was true, but I had gone so many years hoping and being disappointed that it was really beyond my comprehension that night. God was giving me a baby? Did I really get to have another?
My husband arrived home after midnight. I was lying in bed attempting to sleep when I heard him call from the bathroom. I got up to see what he needed. He'd found the test and needed an explanation! I told him I really didn't know what to think about the test-as the line was very faint.
We both decided we would get up before 6am and get to Wal-Mart when it opened. At 6am sharp we were buying the triple pack of pregnancy tests. Being the experienced "pregnancy test taker", I had dutifully collected the first morning urine, put a lid on it and took it in the car with us. I needed to know right away! I took all three tests in the back parking lot of the store and they were all positive!
My husband and I were both ecstatic! Another baby! How wonderful!
The reality of pregnancy quickly hit as I became sick with all day morning sickness. I spent the next twelve weeks in bed. The nausea was so ad that being vertical made me "green". On top of the nausea I could not bear to eat anything with color! As one of my girlfriends said "I was eating white. Potatoes, rice, and bread." Even ice cream which had been a comfort food for years was difficult to eat. Especially if it was not white.
I made it through and was on to the second trimester. My 1st trimester screening provided us with the first glimpse of our baby's profile, complete with my sharp nose. What a precious sight to see this incredible gift from God sicking it's thumb!
We were excited about the prospects of our 6th child. My pregnancy was normal and uneventful. The doctor had already done two ultrasounds and everything seemed fine. On April 17th, 2007, we went to the radiology office to find out the sex of our baby, our 20-week ultrasound. The ultrasound tech informed us that she needed to take some standard measurements first and then we would be on to, "The big reveal!" As she moved the instrument over my abdomen, I noticed something missing. Concerned because my 8 year old was in the room, I calmly turned to the tech and said, "I haven't seen a heartbeat." She earnestly looked over and over and then ran a sound strip of our baby...there was no sound. She quickly excused herself.
A dead baby? How could this be? If I only have faith, he could be raised to life, I thought to myself. I held on to that hope but it was not to be a miracle of resurrection. I was about to enter one of the darkest times in my life, a grief so deep it sometimes took my breathe way. But I would get to encounter the God all of all creation, my father in heave and He would grieve with me.
Our son, Timothy Seth Fehlman was born 9 days later on April 26th, 2007. His body was lifeless, but he was perfectly formed. His body was stained with meconium but the most amazing thing about him was that when I touched his skin, he felt like a newborn baby.
In the days following his birth I sank in my Heavenly Father's arms. He held my head to His chest, just as a mother holds her child when his little heart is broken, and He wept with me. He held me and comforted me.
The words of comfort from most people, well-meaning as they were, I found to be painful. What did they mean that it was probably "for the best"? Who's best? My baby who would never draw a breath? My aching mother's arms that longer to hold him? My aching breasts that longed to nurse him? What did they mean by saying that "God needed him in Heaven"?
The words rang so hollow. Sure, many of them were prefaced with, "I'm so sorry.." and then they added those awful lines. The most comfort came when a friend or family member said only "I am so sorry. We were looking forward to this baby too!" It let me know that they hurt too and did not feel the need to discount my loss with reckless words.
My sweet sons who had so longed to hold this little brother would never know him this side of heaven. And because I grieved so deeply, they refrained from showing me their hurt. They each grieved alone, crying for the brother they never got to know.
Life moved on and reminders of our loss started to lessen but the sting was still there. I had so many hurts and so many questions. Was I not good enough of a mother? Did I not deserve another baby? What had I done to deserve this pain? Why would God let me get pregnant if He was going to take the baby away? Would my son even know me when I got to heaven? Would he love me like I loved him? At times these questions tormented me, but God in His mercy provided answers through the Holy Spirit.
One day when I questioned yet again, God's still small voice broke through my pain and guilt and whispered to me, "If you had not been willing, than your son would never have existed." These words tore at my heart but also gave me peace. Suddenly, the "why" made sense. Our son needed to exist. Our willingness to follow the Lord's leading with our fertility had brought another soul into existence. I was in awe of the Lord.
I still wondered if my son would know me in Heaven. I so wanted to know him. Three months after his delivery, as I was driving down the road, a song came on the car radio-"To run with the angels on streets made of gold. To listen to stories of saints new and old..." It was near the end of the song that I heard so clearly, "I love you, mom". I knew that voice! It was a mature male voice, one I had never heard on earth before, but I knew who he was! He was my son! I had gotten the gift of hearing the voice of my son. I would know him when I got to heaven.
I also heard the Holy Spirit's tender voice say to me "I said there would be no husbands or wives in heaven but I never said there wouldn't be mothers." My son will know me as his mother. I will get the opportunity to live him when I am in a place where there will be no pain, no sorrow, and no sin. All this will happen because my Heavenly Father loved me enough to give HIS son to redeem me. I will see my son again in glory and in the presence of the only True Comforter. I will be in the presence of my Father that took me in His arms, put my head on His chest, and wept with me.